Difficult Conversations & the Power of the Open Ended Question

A difficult conversation was required this week: a staff member passed away unexpectedly.  He was popular and was doing meaningful work. Although many of us didn't work with him closely, he was well known.

How does one best convey this message? 

As a first step, the Leadership team was informed.  The  details were given - basically that our colleague had passed away the previous day, and we did not have any details surrounding his passing. Nor did we have any details regarding the funeral.

The communication approach was shared:

• Reach out to staff and have face-to-face communications 
• Confirm that additional information would be shared if it came forward 
• Support services such as EFAP were to be offered

These were difficult conversations. I went to individuals and informed them that I had some sad news to disclose.  I asked them if they knew our colleague well -- he worked out of another location. I continued to inform them that our colleague had regretfully passed away.  I shared how the news had affected me personally, and shared a recent fond memory and interaction.

The range of emotion was wide.  Thankfully, I was able to meet with staff in a private location and they had the option to have some time for quiet reflection.  I asked them if they had a memory to share with me.  I asked if they needed to time away from the public to process.

People were sad and shocked. Some had a closer connections than imagined. For others, this individual's death triggered their own emotions.  For others, it was sadness and regret that they had never met the individual but they had heard so many good things.

The power of an open ended question
An EFAP consultant offered some good advice: never underestimate the power of an open-ended question. Some suggested conversation starting included the following:

• What can I do for you?
• This news is shocking.  How are you doing?
• And then do active listening.

For people who are obviously upset, ask them if they are open to counselling.  Confirm that they are able to cope today. If they're not able to cope, offer them a taxi chit.  In a state of trauma, people should not drive.

Making up stories
Some individuals started to conjecture as to why and how this person passed away so unexpectedly. I had to gently redirect some people:

• Please understand that the family has asked for privacy.  Let's respect this request and his memory.  I know you're trying to process but suggesting different scenarios of how he died is not helping the situation. It's especially hard for those who were closer to him. I know you're upset. This is hard, but let's stop this conversation now. 

Such a sad time, but difficult conversations are a part of being a leader.  Take a moment to ensure you have mapped out your conversation and key points. Be kind to others and yourself. 

No one said leadership was easy. Rewarding, but not easy.